Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Kick Ass Merchandise - Anonymously Inspired

True to my word (which isn't always "true"), I got the promised updates posted over the weekend. Hooray for me - I kick ass.

Also true to my word, I got a new portroid today which I need to post (or "which needs posted" if you are grammatically retarded), so once again I am behind on my posting. Don't worry though, because as previously stated, I kick ass.

Over lunch, I met and popped the 'roid of ABCNews Political Commentator Cokie Roberts. I told her her portroid would soon be online. She asked if there were any pictures she could use for self-gratifying, or if this whole thing was just a "sophomorish attempt" at snapshots. I gave her the new portroids T-shirt and she resigned herself to alternate sources for pleasure. Sorry, Cokie, no strokie.

As to the results of the recent vote for who deserves their own rapidly-executed 'Portroids Proudly Presents ...' page, I am still tallying. It's a close contest so far, so get your votes in (if you like to be the 'tie-breaker'). Get them in if you want a say. Even anonymously you can vote. So vote for yourself if you are that vain. I dare you. I double dog dare you.

That's it for now. Not much.

Still kickin' ass,

Friday, September 24, 2004

Let Your Voice Be Heard (and a Portroid 'Where Are They Now ...")

Come hell or high-water, I will have the remaining basic updates online before the weekend is out. The only thing that will stop me is laziness, so barring laziness, expect the remaining updates to be made. Another thing that might stop me is finding something (anything) better to do. That'll stop me like taking a rhinocerous' credit card away stops him from charging. Full stop.

There are a few potential portroids on the horizon, so focus your bi-focals in the general web direction of www.portroids.com in the near-ish future.

I'm taking web votes on whom you would like to see as a featured portroid subject. You've all enjoyed the great work I humbly did on pages for Michael Dreben, Reginal Lankster, and Rick DeMint (a.k.a Yours Truly), so let me know who should be next to achieve such heights of fame. Just post your vote as a comment to this message. I'll be assured to see it. Assuredly.

Speaking of Reginal Lankster, he disappeared for awhile after I took his picture. Maybe the Feds got to him. Anyway, just the other day I spotted him, no longer in The Smile Zone, wearing a pimpish hat, mirror Trooper-style sunglasses, and with nicely-trimmed facial hair (mutton chop sideburns and a cleaned-up goatee). He must've come into an inheritance or some such. Good for him. I haven't smiled though in months.

VOTE NOW! (for someone whose picture is already on the site - none of this "write about Jimi Hendrix" rubbish. He's dead. Long since dead.)

Yours Truly,

Monday, September 20, 2004

Presidential Platform and Holes Where They Shouldn't Be

Over the past few days we've been moving into our new house. My dad and mom are here visiting and helping us move in. I got a new portroid (not yet posted) of my mother, but you'll all just have to wait to see it, as it has not yet been posted (as noted in the above parenthetical break). I took the picture just before we left to go to the Carousel Dinner Theater (where I took a previous portroid previously when we were there ... on a previous occasion).

Anyway, the next morning at breakfast, I overheard some locals at the booth behind us talking about how one of their party (an elderly gent) had also been at the CDT (that's what the "cool kids" call the Carousel Dinner Theater). A younger man (mid-30s) at that table, in somewhat disbelieving tones, exclaimed that he didn't realize the old man was a "patron of the arts". He then went on to eloborate his own special brand of ignorance by saying that he himself "needs the 'arts' like he needs a hole in the head". That got me thinking about how people who say they 'need (blank) like they need a hole in the head' actually do need a hole in the head. A bullet hole right through the head. This guy did need the arts, he needed them bad, so his statement was true. I didn't shoot him in the head though. I'm not the guy to give everyone everything they need. I ain't Santa Claus.

I don't endorse putting holes in people's heads (just for the record)(not even if they say they need (blank) like they need a hole in the head)(they do need a hole in the head though)(but that's off the record).

Unrelated to portroids in any way, but somewhat related to my previous paragraphs (in that they are both about killing or wishing people dead (which I don't endorse)), I came up with a new anti-drug campaign. Somehow the goverment should slip millions of fatal poisons into the illegal drug supply, so that it's like Russian Roulette. Roll a joint, smoke it, die instantly (or don't, if you happen to get the unpoisoned supply - then you'll just get "mad stoned"). Maybe it's your first time doing 'coke'. Sorry, you just died. Hey Roy, shoot up some of that heroin in my arm vein. Ugh! I'm not alive anymore! Soon the word will get out that drugs can kill you (INSTANTLY) and then folks will be so scared to use them that they'll quit cold-turkey (and I'm not talking about the kind that makes for a nice post-Thanksgiving sandwich). Some people will keep using, but that's because they want to die. They're suicidal. And that's sad. Forget them. They are the exception (and expendable).

Maybe instead of actually poisoning people though, the goverment can use the media (the goverment's puppet) to lie to people and just say that drugs are killing people (INSTANTLY), that cases are pouring in around the country of good honest drug users dying by the thousands after a single use. Get a frenzy working. Then everyone will stop using drugs (INSTANTLY). Fear tactics always work, even on drugged-out wastoids (they're so damn paranoid as it is).

Well ... that's my proposal. I hope the goverment buys it from me. Maybe when I'm President (DeMint '08), I can put it into place myself. Being President is a lot of work ... and I need more work like I need a hole in the head.

Don't do drugs (at least not the poisoned ones),

Thursday, September 16, 2004


Various pieces of my personality, or persona if you will (if you won't, then "personality" it shall be), are taken from other things. Hey, I like that joke, I'll use it later. That guy has a cool half-slide, half-step walk, I must use that sometime. Oy, what's that I just heard? That is worth repeating around someone who will think I made it up myself. These and other things are the things that make up a personality (persona? Still no? OK. Personality) like mine. These and other.

Anyway, there are certain things that I "steal", but tweak in what I often think are "original" ways, such as taking Polaroid Portraits of people and having them sign their name to it autograph-style and then morphing the names (Polaroid and Portraits) together into something like "portroids". Damn that's cool - and sooooo original. Not so. Well, the name, as far as I can tell, is original, but I'm sure that will be shattered when proven stolen later in this life.

I only just found out that someone else has been taking Polaroid pictures of people and having them sign their names at the bottom (long before I started). That person is Gene Simmons (Richard's brother (unconfirmed) and frontman for KISS). There is a slight difference though. Gene takes a Polaroid of every woman he has sex with. He claims to have approximately 4,700 of these. He doesn't call them Portroids though. I'm not sure what he calls them, but I will call them Sexroids (because it sounds really, really gross).

So, there you have it. Just another example of how unoriginal I actually am. Hey, even this subject of Gene Simmons taking Sexroids is unoriginal. I heard about it yesterday morning from Greg Thunder on the radio. Of course, they didn't use the term "Sexroids". I may have actually said something original, but I doubt it. I sincerely doubt it. I also doubt Gene Simmons has a Sexroid to match my Portroid of Greg Thunder, but again, I could be wrong.

Unorginally Yours,

Saturday, September 11, 2004

Three years ago today ...

I was living in New York City on September 11, 2001. I left work early (around 1 PM) and walked to the Village to meet up at the designated meeting place (Eli's apartment). I was the last to arrive. Erica and Sam and Arwin and Emily and Eli were already there. Sam and Arwin had decided to catch a train out of town to go up to Connecticut for a couple days. Emily, who had just moved to the City a few days before, was living with Eli and would be attending school at The Neighborhood Playhouse, so therefore couldn't go anywhere. Eli ... well, it was Eli's birthday, September 11th was, so his birthday was essentially ruined. He was supposed to be performing that night, but his performance was cancelled.

I think this was the day that the idea for portroids was born.

Erica had moved from Colorado about three weeks prior, and we were still acclimating to the change. As we were walking back to the SoHo apartment we shared with Sam, we engaged in an argument (about what, I can't recall). Trivial, probably. On Hudson Street, heading downtown, I noticed a girl in a tank top walking uptown approaching us . It was Gwyneth Paltrow. Behind her the smoke and dust billowed up into the sky from Ground Zero a mere few miles away. She looked me in the eye as we neared, and I saw a glimpse of what I thought was recognition (maybe she thought I was someone else, but there appeared to be a look of familiarity). This look was instantly swept away and replaced by sadness (and lonliness?) when I turned to Erica and whispered "Gwyneth Paltrow" to her. I get in trouble if I don't point out celebrities (and vice versa (celebrities get in trouble if they don't point me out to their friends)). I was already in trouble (I'm sure) and wasn't looking for more.

So ... I'm sorry Gwyneth if I pointed you out and separated you from us by your fame, Maybe you were just looking for someone to connect with on this day, a miscellaneous stranger to seek solace in anonymously. Sorry we couldn't be those people for you.

Anyway, that image of GP at that moment with that background would've been a great portroid to have. Two years and one month and two weeks later I started carrying my Polaroid with me all the time (except when I most need it - like when we saw Ronald McDonald - curses!). I mostly pass up on opportunities to take pictures, even when I have my camera, but that's just because I don't like approaching "strangers". I do like talking about portroids I missed though. Here are some highlights from a recent trip to New York: Ray Romano, Kevin James, David Schwimmer, Hugh Jackman, others.

Goodbye for now,

Friday, September 10, 2004


The response to this new Portroids (we)blog has been, in a word, staggering. Zero comments!! Whoa! I expected something like 2 or 3 ... "long time lurker, first time poster" or "I don't normally comment on these thingamajobbers, but I couldn't hardly help myself when I saw you finally jumped on the bandwagon" or "Dude, that was boring, your post."

OK, lurkers, here's your chance to comment on whatever you normally like to comment on (bad grammar, for instance). I see you out there hiding in the dark shadows, kind of scary, yet eerily comforting, with your slightly swaying form (akin to Grandma's rocking chair with her well-worn afghan blanket draped lovingly over the back). Ollie-ollie-oxen-free. Come out, come out, wherever you all.

You may have noticed from the "Updates" page that I haven't updated since late August. Yes, I do have some things to do. I need to add the Whiteheads to the Flash page. I have a new picture to post (a rollover). I have tons upon tons of texty descriptions to write and post (so you can find out more and exciting things about people you only thought you knew). I need to link this blog to the site so people actually realize it exists.

Seriously guys, you're starting to freak me out with your hiding. I can SEE you, so stop pretending! Actually ... maybe that is only Grandma's rocking chair. Maybe I'm alone here (alone with Grandma's ghost (she's not even dead)). I'm getting scared now. Very scared.

I think I'll take some of my own advice and link this blog to the site so people actually realize it exists. God, it's lonely here.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Here I am ... rock you like a (fill in the blank) (recommended entry: "hurricane")

Here is the "official" Portroids 'blog. I swore I'd never do it, but I'm known for breaking my oaths. I promise I won't break a promise again.

This is where you will find the latest news relating to Portroids and Portroid-related news.

My most recent trip yielded zero new 'troids. I expected to capture approximately ten new shots, so give or take ten, I succeeded.

That's all the news I have to give.

Here are the pictures I expected to get, but didn't:

Clint Howard
Buzz Aldrin
Pamela Anderson
Kevin Smith
Donald Duck
Jason Mewes
Andrew Runkle
Zac Sluser
some other people

Can't you just imagine how damn cool that would be to have those pictures?

See you next time,