Friday, July 22, 2005

Where You Been At? ... A Portroids Blog Update

You know, I've been around.

I've traveled a lot lately and carried my camera with me each and everywhere, but with no success at capturing new portroids. I'm sorry to have failed you. I know I'm a big disappointment (like when you inadvertently stab your thumb through the base of your Eat-It-All wafer ice cream cone and mid-way through your ice cream eating, it starts dripping out that hole and the bottom gets all soggy and you have to start sucking on the base and it just gets worse and you wish you never got an ice cream cone at all), a disappointment to the n-th degree.

Although I've been a failure, I haven't been a total failure. No? I managed to get four new portroids since my last blog update, so ... that has to count for something. Yes?

Q. What do two of my newest portroids have to do with one of my older portroids?
A. Donald Trump

That question and answer don't really make sense, but that's because I couldn't be bothered to think it out. I just couldn't be bothered. It'll kind of make sense soon, I hope.

New portroids:

The Grimace: Everybody loves The Grimace (ironically, nobody loves to grimace). I think The Grimace has something to do with McDonald's milkshakes. He also starred in a McDonald's television commercial with Donald Trump. (See? It's all coming together, like what Hannibal loves a plan to do.) Mr. Grimace was making an appearance at the newly remodeled Executive McDonald's near my house. He was in the back when we got there and the help had to go yell for him to make an appearance. I saw a flyer weeks before and couldn't miss the opportunity. He's an icon.

Robin Himmler: You may have seen her on The Apprentice as Donald Trump's assistant Robin. (See what I did there? I gave you the answer to the second part of the above riddle. I'm not such a bad guy after all.) Here are some things (some things I gleaned through direct conversation and overheard conversations with others) you may not know about Robin: she attended some art school in Manhattan (though I don't know which one, but for sure it was one of them); though some people evidently don't know it, she wasn't the winner of The Apprentice, but an already existing staff member with some cameos on the show; she and Raj are friends, but don't date; she claims that Donny Trump (my name, not hers) hand-picked all the candidates for the next The Apprentice, so stay tuned; and according to the guy who tried to convince me to go over and get her autograph, "she's single".

Ann McKevett: America's Hardest Working Admin and Swingline's 2005 Admin Pro of the Year. Need I say more?

Paul Feig: Paul Feig is cooler than you (unless the "you" in question is actually Paul Feig reading this, in which case it would be really hard (though probably possible) to be cooler than yourself. Hi, Paul). Paul Feig is also cooler than you think. Have you ever played a nerd on The Facts of Life? Paul has. Have you ever created a critically acclaimed TV show that spoke to misfits and weirdoes everywhere? Paul has. It was called Freaks and Geeks. Ever heard of it? Have you ever waited until you were 24 to lose your virginity? Paul did. That's not very cool, but he wrote a book about it, and that is cool. Did you ever write a book about losing your virginity at the age of 24? I didn't think so. It seems to me that you haven't done a lot of the things that Paul Feig has done. I haven't either, so don't think I'm just picking on you (even though I am actually just singling you out. You should really look at yourself and try to change your life. WWPFD? Seriously, you're kind of a loser).

That's it folks. That's all I have to say for myself. I make no apologies.


Instant Update: Paul Feig also mentioned that he would be directing the premiere episode of Season 3 of Arrested Development next month. He has directed five other episodes so far. How many have you directed? Loser.

Side Note: Thanks to a Korean friend of mine, I have finally seen all of Arrested Development Season 2, and I loved it!! Jason Bateman can finally get off my back about this. If you haven't seen Season 2 yet, you can watch them all on Fox starting next Friday (July 29, 2005). Check your local listings. Season 2 DVD to be released October 11. Season 3 to begin September 19.